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SchoolCollege Joke: 21
| Teaching
The teacher had given the class an assignment.
He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no
excuses will be
accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the
immediate family (with a
note from that member).
A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion,
sir?"
The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher
responds with:
"Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."
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SchoolCollege Joke: 22
It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was
establishing the fact
that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking
the roll, she was told
by one boy "My name is Johnny Fuckhauer". So she said "There'll be
none of that kind of
thing this year, Johnny; tell me your REAL name!". The kid said "No,
really teacher, it IS
Johnny Fuckhauer. You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask
my brother if you
don't believe me!" Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing,
the teacher went
across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door. The
fourth grade teacher
had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she
entered the room and
directly asked the class "Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?" "Hell no!"
replied a little kid
from the front row, "We don't even get a cookie break!"
SchoolCollege Joke: 23
The Unofficial Manual for Graduate Teaching Assistants
Teaching Introductory Computer Science Courses for Non-majors
LATE HOMEWORK When a student turns in his/her project two weeks late
and asks for full credit, accept the late work and tell them that it
will be awarded full credit. However, do inform them that you will not
have time to grade it until after you complete your Ph.D.
DISRUPTIVE STUDENTS 1. If students will not stop talking when the
class period begins, announce that there will be a quiz the following
day on today's lecture. Then leave. 2. If your students are prone to
reading the school paper in class, try taking out a full page ad in
the paper informing them that they are going to flunk your class.
LECTURES 1. In the event that you are unprepared for a lecture, be
sure to use the class time to stress to the class the importance of
keeping up with the readings. In fact, spend most of the class time
stressing this. 2. When the time comes to lecture on a subject you
know nothing about, the art of controlled digression is invaluable.
Here, you try to incite unrelated questions from the class which you
answer at length. Then at the end of class scold them for digressing
and tell them they'll just have to get the material from the book.
GRADING 1. Always use a fire engine red felt-tip marker with a 1/2
inch tip to grade papers. Position your comments strategically so that
they spell "DUMB" when seen from a distance. 2. You may grade
assignments however you like. Here is a guide to quick and easy
grading: 20 % Name 20 % Penmanship 50 % Homework is stapled together
10 % The work itself Warning: Be prepared for a 60% class average.
GRADING ERRORS If student A approaches you complaining that an answer
on their exam was marked incorrect but was marked correct on student
B's exam, promptly mark student B's answer incorrect as well. This
will redirect the heat from you onto student A.
EXTRA CREDIT 1. If students request extra credit to make up for the
homework they didn't turn in, be sure to make the opportunity
available to them. Some good extra credit problems are: Solve the
dining philosopher's problem, using semaphores. Write a C compiler for
the Commodore 64. Translate Moby Dick into ASCII-8 code with a
leftmost odd parity bit. Design a replacement for the 80486 chip.
Build a File Allocation Table (FAT) out of balsa wood. 2. You may also
wish to tell the student that they can do extra credit work while you
decide whether to accept it. When the student turns in the work,
decide against it.
CHEATING 1. When it is obvious to you that several people have copied
each other's homework, grade one person's work on a separate sheet of
paper, then photocopy your comments onto everyone else's homework. 2.
Should you have very skilled cheaters in your class, try giving
incorrect information during your lectures. This should result in
incorrect answers on exams. Examples that have proven effective
include: The three components of a computer system are Larry, Moe and
Curly. The only possible digits in the binary system are 0, 1, and 2.
The three components of the CPU are the ALU, REGISTERS and cheap
bathroom lighting fixtures. The microphone is an output device.
"Booting" the computer involves waving a large magnet over your hard
drive for 60 seconds. MS-DOS is the operating system for the CRAY
Y-MP. When preparing to purchase a new computer system running
Windows, you should make sure it has at least 128,000 bytes of main
memory. Protocols include saluting your computer and calling the mouse
"sir". CPU stands for Ceramic Public Urinal. Structured Programming
says that you can write any computer program using only three basic
control structures: Sequence, Selection and Guessing.
LAB You are expected to spend at least 4 hours each week in the lab to
assist with student's questions. Students have been known to come up
with some real beauties: "Why should I save it? I wasn't done yet."
"My disk erased itself!" "Hurry up, I need help. This was due last
week." "Directory? What's that?" "What do I need my textbook for? I'm
using a computer." Here are the solutions to the most common problems:
P: "The screen is blank - I can't see what I'm doing" S: Turn on the
monitor P: "How do I get into Windows?" S: Stare at it long enough and
it will start to look like candy. P: "I can't get this computer to do
anything." S: Have them move to a computer that has a keyboard. P:
"The stupid printer printed the wrong file." S: Reprimand the printer.
P: "WordPerfect didn't do what I told it to do." S: Tell them they
have to earn its respect first.
SchoolCollege Joke: 24
The Wisdom of Youth Never give up because life gets harder
as you get older.
After preschool the road of life keeps getting bumpier and bumpier and
bumpier. Angela Martin, age 11
Never blow in a cat's ear because if you do, usually after three or
four times, they will bite your lips! And they don't let go for at
least a minute. Lisa Coburn, age 9
Don't think life is easy, because when you get older it is hard work.
I used to think life was easy, now I have to do the dishes every other
day. Nick Coleman, age 9
Take risks. I mean, if you like this person and you don't know if they
like you, ask them out and see what happens. I liked this girl and I
asked her out. She said no and she hates me now, but I took that risk.
Bruce Wagner, age 13
A realist is more correct about things in life than an optimist. But
the optimist seems to have more friends and much more fun. Megan, age
14
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with
atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with
explosions. When people run around and around in circles we say they
are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting. Rainbows are
just to look at, not to really understand. Someday we may discover how
to make magnets that can point in any direction. A vibration is a
motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go. Many
dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to
be oil. Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you
don't why you should. Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to
let them know we know they're there. Some oxygen molecules help fires
burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against
brother.
SchoolCollege Joke: 25
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for
his graduate students. It had one question: Is Hell exothermic (gives
off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a
proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or
some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So,
we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate
they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul
gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As
for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today.
Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these
religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we
can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and
death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to
increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in
Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are
added. This gives two possibilities:
#1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
#2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase
of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until
Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my
Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep
with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not
succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true,
and so Hell is exothermic.
The student got the only A.
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