SchoolCollege Jokes

  A Modest Essay 
 
 3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW 
 YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: 
 ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU 
 HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON? 
 
 I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have 
 been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more 
 efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for 
 Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. 
 Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. 
 i woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot 
 bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook 
 Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a 
 veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
 Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly 
 defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious 
 army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the 
 subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large 
 suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, 
 after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. 
 I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. 
 Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I 
 don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have 
 been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I 
 toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 
 .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international 
 botany circles. Children trust me.
 I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I 
 once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and 
 still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the 
 exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed 
 several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do 
 sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully 
 negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The 
 laws of physics do not apply to me.
 I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On 
 weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years 
 ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have 
 made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster 
 oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, 
 cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. 
 I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have 
 spoken with Elvis. 
 
 But I have not yet gone to college.