SchoolCollege Jokes

Tear off here, and administer test below to students

Answer Questions by circling the appropriate subjective choice.

1. If stranded on a deserted island, I would want _____ 0) Shakespeare 1) Math books 2) Fluid oil

2. If I could have any job, I would be a _____ 0) writer 1) professor 2) McDonald's employee

3. On weekends, I go to _____ 0) The beach 1) The library 2) goto 10

4. My favorite hobby is _____ 0) Poetry 1) Open math problems 2) memorizing

5. I have taken ______ English classes. 0) Many 1) Enough to communicate 2) fori=1to++x10goto10

6. What is the quickest way to solve 2X+4=2? 0) Ask a Vulcan 1) In my head 2) Brute force with Cray 2 Supercomputer

7. What have you learned in school that you value the most? 0) Latin 1) How to operate my HP-28C 2) Complex Analysis

8. In between classes, I like to _____ 0) Talk with my friends 1) Study proofs 2) Add numbers on my calculator

9. When I have a report due, I type it on_____ 0) My manual typewriter 1) The school's word processor 2) My calculator and then upload it to a PC at 50 baud

10. Since coming to the University, I have gained many _____ 0) Friends 1) Books 2) Calculator manuals

11. The best use of a computer is _____ 0) A door stop 1) Graphing functions 2) Friends

12. When I go to a restaurant, I usually get _____ 0) A hamburger 1) A twinkie 2) Thrown out

13. What part of speech is "interface"? 0) A noun 1) A noun and a verb 2) Not enough data

14. What do you consider to be paradise? 0) Total happiness 1) Total knowledge 2) Two calculators

15. What type of music do you like? 0) Popular music 1) Classical music 2) Static noise

16. What is your favorite game? 0) Monopoly 1) Chess 2) Data entry races

17. My favorite Movie show is _____ 0) Ruthless People 1) Star Trek II 2) Short Circuit

18. If I had to know an equation on a test, I would _____ 0) Write it on my arm 1) Derive it during test 2) Memorize it with flash cards all day for weeks

19. The person I marry must have_____ 0) Beauty 1) Intelligence 2) An RS232 serial port

20. What I fear the most is _____ 0) Death 1) Emotions 2) Water

Results: Simply add up the values of all your answers and look at the following table.

00-14 Liberal Arts 15-20 Vulcan/Math Major 21-40 Robot!!!

These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVa for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved.

So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page. It said:

(95 points) Which tire?

THE DEPARTMENT HEAD Leaps short buildings in a single bound Is more powerful than a switch engine Is just as fast as a speeding bullet Talks with God

PROFESSOR Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds Is almost as powerful as a switch engine Is faster than a speeding BB Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool Talks with God if a special request is honored

ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR Barely clears a quonset hut Loses tug of war with a locomotive Can fire a speeding bullet Swims well Is occassionally addressed by God

ASSISTANT PROFESSOR Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings Is run over by locomotives Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury Treads water Talks to animals

INSTRUCTOR Climbs walls continually Rides the rails Plays Russian Roulette Walks on thin ice Prays a lot

GRADUATE STUDENT Runs into buildings Recognizes locomotives two out of three times Is not issued ammunition Can stay afloat with a life jacket Talks to walls

UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings Says "Look at the choo-choo" Wets himself with a water pistol Plays in mud puddles Mumbles to himself

DEPARTMENT SECRETARY Lifts buildings and walks under them Kicks locomotives off the tracks Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them Freezes water with a single glance She IS God.

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN. OKAY!

Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only get those sick headaches once a day.

Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live, because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grrandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am taking daily.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your oft expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer in the village in Africa from which he came.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not have syphillis and there is no man (of any color) in my life. However, I am getting a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.

Yours- Your Loving Daughter