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Miscellaneous Joke: 16
| A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in
and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in
and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."
The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's
great. He does the work of two men. We need him."
So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have
a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd
hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with?
Drugs? Alcohol?"
The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law
drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday
morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on
my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing
you know, I'm fucking her."
The boss says, "You fuck your sister?"
The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."
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Miscellaneous Joke: 17
A Kentucky family took a vacation to New York City. For an adventure,
the father took his son to see a skyscraper. They were amazed by
everything they saw -- especially the elevator at one end of the
lobby.
The boy asked, "What's that there, Paw?"
The father responded, "Well, Son, I reckon I never did see nothing
like this in my entire life. I got no derned idea what it is!"
While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment,
an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed
a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a
small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small
circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch
the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again,
and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father turned to his son and said, "Go git your Maw."
Miscellaneous Joke: 18
This little boy and his grandfather are fishing. Granddad pulls out a
beer and the little boy says "Grandpa, can I have one of those?"
Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to
which the little boy responds "No."
"Then you can't have one."
A while later, the granddad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I
have on of those?"
Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to
which the little boy responds "No."
"Then you can't have one."
Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and
each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says
"I just won $50,000"
Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me, right?"
The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your
asshole?"
"Yes," Says grandpa.
"Then go fuck yourself"
Miscellaneous Joke: 19
One Sunday morning Joe burst into the living room and said, "Dad, Mom,
I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most
beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, Joe's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with
you.. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful
wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I
used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your
half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
Joe was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating
girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced,
"Dianne said yes! We are getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke
the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, Joe, I am very sorry
about this."
Joe was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I am never going to get married",
he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my
half-sister."
His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he
says, dear. He's not really your father."
Miscellaneous Joke: 20
One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go
home and think of a story to tell, and then conclude the moral of that
story.
The following day when the teacher asks for the first volunteer to
tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand.
"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the
truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday
we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the
road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies,
"Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we
take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only
8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the
story. Lucy replies, "Don't count your chickens before they're
hatched."
Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his
plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it
crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the
way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in
the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine
gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed
20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten
with his bare hands."
Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any
moral to his story.
Billy replies, "Don't fuck with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
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