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Men Joke: 31
| Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be
able to support you. Why do men pass gas more than women? Because
women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure. One golfer tells
another: "Hey, guess what? I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" The
other replies: "GREAT trade!" How many men does it take to open a
beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in. What do
you call a woman with two brain cells? Pregnant. I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always. Losing a wife can be
hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. I haven't spoken to my
wife for 18 months-I don't like to interrupt her. Women are so
unreasonable! My wife gets mad because every Saturday night I take a
bath with bubbles in it. I mean, if Bubbles doesn't mind, why should
she? Most accidents happen at home. And the men have to eat them! Some
mornings I wake up grouchy...and some mornings I just let her sleep!
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive
by 90 percent.... Wedding cake! Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
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Men Joke: 32
Three men were drinking at a bar -- a doctor, an attorney
and a biker. As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For
her birthday, I'm going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring.
This way, if she doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me
because she got a diamond ring."
As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For my wife's
birthday, I'm going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet.
This way, if she doesn't like the dress she will still love me because
she got the gold bracelet."
As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "I'm going to
buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn't like
the T-shirt she can go fuck herself!"
Men Joke: 33
Q: What is the difference between a single 40-year-old
woman and a single 40-year-old man? A: The 40-year-old woman thinks
often of having children and the man thinks often about dating them.
Men Joke: 34
A new two year degree is being offered at LIFE UNIVERSITY
that many of you should be interested in: BECOMING A REAL MAN. That's
right, in just six quarters you, too, can be a real man, as well as
earn an AA degree (AA Real Men). Please take a moment to look over the
program outline.
FIRST YEAR:
Autumn Schedule
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You Too Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas
Winter Schedule
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding The Female Response to Getting In At 4 a.m.
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End With Conception
EAT 100 Get A Life, Learn To Cook
ECON 001A What's Hers Is Hers
Spring Schedule
MEN 120 How NOT To Act Like An Asshole When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, The Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons To Give Flowers
ECON 001B What's Yours Is Half Hers (Must Pass ECON 001A)
SECOND YEAR:
Autumn Schedule
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
MEN 201 How To Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 202 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
ELECTIVE (See Electives Below)
Winter Schedule
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be A Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest - You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise - Especially Naked
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1
Spring Schedule
MEN 220 Omitting @&*%$#* From Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask For Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging Is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays And Anniversaries Are Important 2
Course Electives
EAT 101 Cooking With Quiche
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping And Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mother-in-Law
MEN 232 Appear To Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say, Yes Dear
ECON 001C Cheaper To Keep Her (Must Pass ECON 001B)
Men Joke: 35
A MAN'S SCHEDULE
1. Get up.
2. Pass gas.
3. Drink cup of black coffee.
4. Pass gas.
5. Dress, skipping shower because "alarm didn't work".
6. Pass gas.
7. Log on to computer to check porn site before leaving for
work. Pass gas while "enjoying" favorite site.
6. Drive to work. Pass gas at stop light. Open window to air out
car.
7. Get to work at MacDonalds. Pass gas in bathroom (for all
patrons to enjoy). Forget to wash hands.
8. Lunch. Double cheesy cheeseburger and supersized fries.
Pass gas.
9. Arrive home. Pass gas. Have a beer. Pass gas.
10. Tell wife you want sex. Belch. Finish early, belch and fall
asleep.
11. Get up at 3 A.M. waking wife but instead of finishing her
off, return to computer to talk in the chat rooms - imagining
what a stud you are, chatting with all those "gorgeous women"
online. Pass gas.
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