|
Men Joke: 21
| Names to Use in Prank Calls
Hugh G. Rection
Jim Nassium
Claire Voyence
Buster Hyman
Anita Moore (Roger's Mom)
Dick Peede
Mike Hunt
Mai Dixie Wrecked
Jon Doe's brother Dil
|
|
Men Joke: 22
How to Satisfy a Woman Every Time
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix,
empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe,
humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug,
coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate,
nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply,
accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm,
lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate,
attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend,
coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize,
detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace,
accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead,
borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch,
crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for,
dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine,
cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate,
enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite,
taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on
the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey,
hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if
I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize,
humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free
world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble,
drip, dry, knead, puree, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate,
indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and
worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.
How to Satisfy a Man Every Time
Show up naked.
Men Joke: 23
Are YOU A HARD MAN?
1/. When reaching your sexual climax do you?
a) Make low moaning sounds in her ear.
b) Suck on her neck to produce a love bite.
c) Shove your thumb up her arse so she screams her tits off.
2/. You're in bed one night and she whispers "I love you". Do you?
a) Whisper back "I love you too".
b) Put your arse on her leg and fart.
c) Say "Go to sleep dog breath".
3/. After you have made love to your wife do you?
a) Hold her in your arms until she falls asleep.
b) Wipe your dick on her nightie and turn over.
c) Tell the bitch to go get in with the kids.
4/. If you break wind during the night do you?
a) Try and cough at the same time and hope she didn't hear.
b) Hold her head under the covers laughing your bollocks off. c)
Blame her and give her a boot.
5/. If she breaks wind do you?
a) Be a gentleman and pretend you didn't hear.
b) Clout the bitch.
c) Say "you dirty bitch" and shove her out in the back yard.
6/. You come home early and find her in bed with a big buck negro.
Do you? a) Close the door quietly and clear off. b) Join in and
stick it up the negro's arse. c) Dowse them both with petrol and
set fire to the cunts.
7/. Your toilet's in the bathroom, you're busting for a crap and
she's in the bath. Do you?
a) Go next door and use theirs.
b) Yell "Move it goat face, the fuckin tortoise head's out of the
shell". c) Sit next to her making noises like a flock of starlings
taking off.
8/. You want sex but it's rag week. Do you?
a) Wait until next week.
b) Wank.
c) Get your face in there and come up looking like the man on the
Ribena ad.
9/. She announces she is leaving you. Do you?
a) Break down in tears and beg her to stay.
b) Put up streamers and arrange a street party.
c) Empty your nostrils in her face, kick her in the cunt, then get
pissed.
10/. She tells you she's having an unwanted baby. Do you?
a) Tell her not to worry, we'll manage somehow.
b) Belt her in the guts with a cricket bat.
c) Sell the house, clean out the bank account and scarper.
SCORE: a) 1. b) 2. c) 3.
0 - 15. If brains were spuds, you'd own Ireland.
15 - 29. You must try harder.
30. Congrats. You're one of the boys.
Men Joke: 24
Department of the Treasury
Internal Revenue Service
Washington, D.C.
To: All Male Taxpayers
RE: Notice of increase of tax payment
Form 1040 - P
The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is your penis. This is
due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging
around unemployed, 30% of the time it is pissed off, 20% of the time
it is hard up, and 10% of the time it is in the hole.
On top of this, it has two dependents and both are nuts.
Accordingly, as of April 1, 1998, your penis will be taxed according
to size. To determine your category, please consult
the chart below and confirm this informatin on page 2, section 7, line
3, on the Standard Form 1040.
10-16 inches Luxury Tax $50.00
8-10 inches Pole Tax $30.00
5-8 inches Privilege Tax $15.00
4-5 inches Nuisance Tax $5.00
Please note: Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund. Please
do not ask for an extension!!!!!!
Additionally, males exceeding 12 inches must file under Capital Gains.
Sincerely,
Peter Checker
Internal Revenue Service
Men Joke: 25
WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE
by Matt Groening
RELATIONSHIPS:
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are
Idiots".
Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble
letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday
night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined
my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a
total
floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us."
This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, and
99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges
that offer courses to help men get over this need.
SEX:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the
foreplay.
MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can
function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading
baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This
is why high school romances rarely work out.
MAGAZINES:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's
magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because
the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body
is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day.
Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most
naked men elicit laughter from women.
HANDWRITING:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they
dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously
large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a
note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a
smiley face at the end of the note!!!
BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The
average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the
store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left
in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery
shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man
reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the
Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not
stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.
LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article
of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about
eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally
out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a
U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men
always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a
myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
THE TELEPHONE:
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the
telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can
visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she
will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
RICHARD GERE:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy
who works at the health club and dates only married women.
MADONNA:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
LOCKER ROOMS:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football,
and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football
nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories
about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker-sex. And not
in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and
technical, and they never lie.
MOVIES:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.
This is because every movie in the history of movies has been
produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in
the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
TIME:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes,
she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football
game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time
outs, commercials, or replays.
FRIENDS:
Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's
night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass
the Doritos or Got any more beer?"
RESTROOMS:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use
restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak
a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom
giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the
world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying,
"Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"
< < Prev
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
Next > >
|
|
