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Marriage Joke: 66
| An Undertaker rings the wife of a dead man he is to bury...
u/t.. "Mrs Smith, this is the manager of the burial service and we
have a bit of a problem with your husband."
wife.. "What's wrong?"
u/t.. "As you know, he was rather a 'well built' man. When Rigor
Mortise sets in to a male corpse, he ends up with an erection and,
basically, we can't close the lid of your husband's coffin."
wife.. "Well, what can you do?"
u/t.. "We can get a special coffin made that is about 3" taller than
standard but it will cost you an extra $500."
wife.. "I can't afford that. Can't you do something to solve the
problem which is a little less expensive?"
The undertaker thinks for a second, then makes a suggestion.
u/t.. "We could remove his penis."
wife.. "Hang on, I want him all there, together in his coffin when we
bury him. I don't want bits of him lying around."
u/t.. "No worries, we can remove his penis and insert it in his
rectum."
wife.. "OK, but only on 2 conditions. It can't cost any extra and I
want to see the body immediately before the funeral."
u/t.. "OK, see you before the funeral."
Scene shifts to the Chapel just before the funeral. The undertaker
shows the wife into the back room where they have the guy laid out in
the coffin, wearing his best suit, with the make-up on to make him
look presentable. The undertaker closes the door of the room behind
him as he leaves the wife alone with her dearly departed husband for
the last time.
She goes up to her husband's body and silently says her last, private
goodbyes. As she is doing this she notices a small tear has trickled
out of the corner of his eye and spoiled the make-up. She looks around
to see if anyone else is in the room. When she knows she is there by
herself, she bends down and whispers in her husband's ear, "Bloody
hurts, doesn't it?"
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Marriage Joke: 67
A little kid comes running into the backyard.
He says, "Pop! Pop! Ma just got hit by a bus!"
"Son, you know my lips are chapped. Please don't make me smile."
Marriage Joke: 68
This day holds a lot of meaning for me. It was on this day two years
ago that I lost my dear wife and children.
I'll never forget that game of cards...
Marriage Joke: 69
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who
had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young
wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered,
"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with
anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along
with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you
feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really
nice, tight-looking ass!!!!!!!"
Marriage Joke: 70
A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an
incredible set of jugs.
He says, "Give me two pickets to Titsburgh...umm...I mean, two tickets
to Pittsburgh."
He's really embarrassed...
The guy in line behind him says, "Relax, pal. We all make Freudian
slips like that. Just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to
say to my wife, 'Please pass the sugar', but I accidentally said, 'You
fucking bitch, you wrecked my life.'"
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