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Marriage Joke: 61
| A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a
relaxing dinner with his wife, they retire to bed. So, both go to
their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber.
The man calls over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."
So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On
the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face.
The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little
honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"
The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate
sex and afterwards the woman rolls out. As she returns to her bed, she
once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face.
The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and
says, "clumsy bitch".
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Marriage Joke: 62
One Fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse
slowly drive by. Following the first hearse, was a second hearse which
was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and
then about 200 men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and
asked him who was in the first hearse.
"My wife," the man replied.
"I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?"
"My dog bit her and she died."
Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse.
The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as
well."
Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I
borrow your dog?"
To which the man replied, "Get in line."
Marriage Joke: 63
At the 1997 World Women's Conference the first speaker from England
stood up: "At last years' conference we spoke about being more
assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and
told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would
have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the
second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had
cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up: "After last years'
conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do
his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first
day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the
third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my
washing as well."
The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from Australia stood up: "After last years'
conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do
his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first
day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the
third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."
Marriage Joke: 64
A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life.
On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and
begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and
drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and,
using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the
shark-infested sea to a remote island.
Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his
head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing.
She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes
his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to
get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful
and says, "My God, you saved my life!"
He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!
Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island
together. They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and
they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and
they're making passionate love morning, noon and night.
Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum.
"What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life
together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there
anything I can do?"
He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my
shirt?"
"Sure," she says, "if it will help." He takes off his shirt and she
puts it on.
"Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.
"Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says.
"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your
face?" he asks.
"Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.
Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the
island?"
She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in
the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few
minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and
says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"
Marriage Joke: 65
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face
close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard
which is full and bushy.
"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both
hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running
her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused.
"Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues
huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him
to suck them gently.
"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
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