Lawyer Jokes

                    Trial Of The Century Transcript Reveals
                                       
                            Objectionable Methods
                                       
                    By Dave Barry, Sunday, March 19, 1995
      
    
 TRANSCRIPT, TRIAL OF THE CENTURY, DAY 257
 
 BAILIFF:  Hear ye, hear ye, the court is now in sess...
 
 DEFENSE:  Objection, your honor.
 
 JUDGE:  To what?
 
 DEFENSE:  Nothing, your honor.  We're just warming up.
 
 PROSECUTION:  Your honor, the people would like to state that we also
   have no objections at this time.
 
 DEFENSE:  Objection, your honor.  Every time the defense says some-
   thing, the prosecution always feels it has to say something.
 
 PROSECUTION:  The people do not.
 
 DEFENSE:  Do too.
 
 PROSECUTION:  Do not.
 
 DEFENSE:  Do too.
 
 DEFENDANT:  OK, stop, I confess!  I'm guilty!
 
 JUDGE (sternly):  Order in the court!  (To prosecution):  Proceed.
 
 PROSECUTION:  Where were we?
 
 JUDGE (checking his notes):  You were on "Do not."
 
 PROSECUTION:  Oh, right, thanks.  Do not.
 
 DEFENSE:  Your honor, the prosecution is clearly jealous of the
   defense because we have a lot of marquee legal talent such as F.
   Lee Bailey and the late Raymond Burr.
 
 PROSECUTION:  Objection, your honor.  The people have reason to believe
   that that is not really F. Lee Bailey.
 
    (A murmer runs through the courtroom.)
 
 JUDGE:  Dammit, bailiff!  I ordered the murmers removed from this
   courtroom!
 
 BAILIFF (drawing his gun):  We'll take care of it, sir.
 
 PROSECUTION:  Your honor, if that IS F. Lee Bailey, how come he hardly
   ever SAYS anything?  He just sits there, day after day, not moving.
   The people request permission to stick him with a pin.
 
 JUDGE:  I'll allow it.
 
 F. LEE BAILEY:  sssssssssssss
 
 JUDGE:  Let the record show that "F. Lee Bailey" is actually an inflat-
   able doll wearing a $1,000 suit.
 
 DEFENSE:  Objection, your honor.  That suit cost $1,500.
 
 JUDGE WAPNER:  Do you have a receipt?
 
 DEFENSE:  Objection!  This judge is from a completely different TV
   show!
 
 JUDGE:  I'll sustain the objection.
 
 DEFENSE:  Which one?
 
 JUDGE:  I have no idea.  Let's proceed with the expert witness.
 
 PROSECUTION (to witness):  Please state your name and the size of your
   book advance.
 
 EXPERT WITNESS:  My name is Dr. Pembrick A. Femur, and my advance is
   $350,000.
 
 PROSECUTION:  And who will be playing you in the movie version?
 
 EXPERT WITNESS:  We are thinking Brad Pitt.
 
 DEFENSE:  Objection, your honor.  We were thinking of Brad Pitt to
   play us.
 
 PROSECUTION:  Brad Pitt?  YOU?  Your honor, the people request permis-
   sion to laugh until little snot bubbles form in the people's nostrils.
 
 DEFENSE (sarcastically):  And we suppose the prosecution wishes to be
   played by Demi Moore?
 
 PROSECUTION:  Sharon Stone.
 
 JUDGE:  I'll allow it.  Proceed.
 
 PROSECUTION:  Dr. Femur, you are an expert, are you not?
 
 EXPERT WITNESS:  I am.
 
 PROSECUTION:  And do you think the people's hairstyle looks better this
   way, or the way the people wore it before?
 
 EXPERT WITNESS:  This way.
 
 JUDGE:  What about my beard?
 
 EXPERT WITNESS:  With all due respect, your honor, I have seen more
   impressive facial hair on a coconut.
 
 (Laughter.)
 
 JUDGE (angrily):  Bailiff!  Where is that laughter coming from?
 
 BAILIFF:  From inside a set of parentheses.
 
 JUDGE:  I'll allow it.  Continue.
 
 PROSECUTION:  Dr. Femur, I am handing you Exhibit No. 2038-B.  Can you
   identify this item for the court?
 
 EXPERT WITNESS (examining it):  Yes.  That is a DNA molecule belonging
   to the defendant.
 
 DEFENSE:  Objection!  We can't see the exhibit!
 
 PROSECUTION:  Of COURSE you can't, you idiot.  It's a MOLECULE.
 
 EXPERT WITNESS:  Or a poppy seed.  There's a 73 per cent chance either
   way.
 
 PROSECUTION:  Now Dr. Femur, can you tell the court, in your own expert
   words, what "DNA" stands for?
 
 EXPERT WITNESS:  Yes.
 
 PROSECUTION:  I see.  Now Dr. Femur, could you please tell the jury, as
   an expert, whether the defendant could have left this DNA molecule or
   poppy seed at the scene of the...
 
 EXPERT WITNESS:  Tell WHAT jury?
 
 JUDGE:  Dammit, bailiff!  The jury escaped again!
 
 (Another murmer runs through the court.)
 
 GUN:  BANG!
 
 BAILIFF:  I got the murmer, your honor!
 
 DEFENSE:  Objection!  The bailiff shot a reporter for The National
   Enquirer.
 
 JUDGE:  I'll allow it.
 
 PROSECUTION:  Your honor, while we're waiting for the authorities to
   track the jury down, the people request your honor's permission to ask
   the witness approximately 850 unbelievably redundant questions.
 
 JUDGE:  Of course.
 
 DEFENSE:  Objection, your honor.  As counsel for the defendant, we
   cannot...
 
 JUDGE:  Hey!  Where's the defendant?