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Lawyer Joke: 16
| Guilty
Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder.
There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no
corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that
his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be
convicted, resorts to a clever trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the
jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at
his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case
will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the
courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A
minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says: 'Actually, I
made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with
anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable
doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you
return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused, retires
to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a
representative pronounces a verdict of guilty. "But how?" inquires the
lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the
door." Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client
didn't."
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Lawyer Joke: 17
A local United Way office realized that it had never
received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person
in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000,
you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the
community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and
replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying
after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her
annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no."
"-or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a
wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an
apology but was interrupted, "-or that my sister's husband died in a
traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving
her penniless with three children?" The humiliated United Way rep,
completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the
lawyer cut him off once again: "-so if I don't give any money to them,
why should I give any to you?"
Lawyer Joke: 18
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the
bartender "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," replied the
bartender. "Good," said the customer, "Give me a beer, and I'll have a
lawyer for my gator."
Lawyer Joke: 19
WILE E. COYOTE, Plaintiff
v.s.
THE ACME COMPANY, INC., Defendant
In the United States District Court,
Southwestern District,
Tempe, Arizona
Case No. B191294, Judge Joan Kujava, Presiding
Plaintiff, Mr. Wiley E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous
states, does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company,
manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise,
incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district
and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries,
loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct
result the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under
Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072,
subsection (a), relating to product liability.
Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has
purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that
company's mail-order department, certain products which did cause him
bodily injury due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary
labeling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase are
at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such
injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted his
ability to make a living in his profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is
self-employed and thus not eligible for Worker's Compensation.
Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via
parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to
use the Rocket Sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of
the Rocket Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate
and, sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr.
Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such
sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a
length of fifty feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote's body shot
forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and
neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled.
Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing
jet trail along his path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote
abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he was pursuing veered
sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this
maneuver but was unable to do so, due to poorly designed steering and
a faulty or nonexistent braking system. Shortly thereafter, the
unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled brought it and Mr. Coyote into
collision with the side of a mesa.
Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B),
prepared by Dr. Ernest Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple
fractures, contusions and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a
result of this collision. Repair of the injuries required a full
bandage around the head (excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full
or partial casts on all four legs.
Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to
support himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an
aid to mobility one pair of rocket skates. When he attempted to use
this product, however, he became involved in an accident remarkably
similar to that which occurred with the Rocket Sled. Again, Defendant
sold over the counter, without caveat, a product which attached
powerful jet engines (in this case, two) to inadequate vehicles, with
little or no provision for passenger safety. Encumbered by his heavy
casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket Skates soon after
strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard so violently
as to leave a hole in the shape of his full silhouette.
Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this
document he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of the
Defendant: the Acme "Little Giant" Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided
Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a full listing see the Acme Mail Order
Explosives Catalogue and attached deposition, entered into evidence as
Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say that not once has an explosive
purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote performed in an expected manner.
To cite just one example: At the expense of much time and personal
effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a butte a
wooden trough beginning at the top of the butte and spiraling downward
around it to some few feet above a black X painted on the desert
floor. The trough was designed in such a way that a spherical
explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly
down to the point of detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed
a generous pile of birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the
spherical Acme Bomb (Catalogue #78-832), climbed to the top of the
butte. Mr. Coyote's prey, seeing the bird seed, approached, and Mr.
Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned
down to the stem, causing the bomb to detonate.
In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote's careful preparation to
naught, the premature detonation of Defendant's product resulted in
the following disfigurements to Mr. Coyote:
1. Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck and muzzle.
2. Sooty discoloration.
3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in
the aftershock with a creaking noise.
4. Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking,
frazzling, and ashy disintegration.
5. Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring.
We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of
these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff's Exhibit D.
Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical laboratories
of the University of California at Santa Barbara for analysis, but to
date no explanation has been found for this product's sudden and
extreme malfunction. As advertised by Defendant, this product is
simplicity itself: two wood-and-metal sandals, each attached to
milled-steel springs of high tensile strength and compressed into a
tightly coiled position by a cocking device with a lanyard release.
Mr. Coyote believed that this product would enable him to pounce upon
his prey in the initial moments of the chase, when swift reflexes are
at a premium.
To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote
affixed them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent
to the boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote's prey was known to
frequent. Mr. Coyote put his hind feet in the wood-and-metal sandals
and crouched in readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the
lanyard release. Within a short time Mr. Coyote's prey did indeed
appear on the path coming toward him. Unsuspecting, the prey stopped
near Mr. Coyote, well within range of the springs at full extension.
Mr. Coyote gauged the distance with care and proceeded to pull the
lanyard release.
At this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mr. Coyote
forward and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown,
the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote.
As the intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in
air. Then the twin springs recoiled, bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent
feet-first collision with the boulder, the full weight of his head and
forequarters falling upon his lower extremities.
The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon
Mr. Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed.
The boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid in shape, had begun to
bounce down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs
adding to its velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote came into contact
with the boulder, or the boulder came into contact with Mr. Coyote, or
both came into contact with the ground. As the grade was a long one,
this process continued for some time.
A sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr.
Coyote, viz., flattening of the cranium, sideways replacement of the
tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and compression of
vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetition of blows along a
vertical axis produced a series of regular horizontal folds in Mr.
Coyote's body tissues -- a rare and painful condition which caused Mr.
Coyote to expand upward and contract downward alternately as he
walked, and to emit off-key, accordionlike wheezing with every step.
The distracting and embarrassing nature of this symptom has been a
major impediment to Mr. Coyote's pursuit of a normal social life.
As the Court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of
manufacture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work. It is our
contention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the
detriment of the consumer of such specialized products as itching
powder, giant kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and
two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands. Much as he has come to distrust
Defendant's products, Mr. Coyote has no other domestic source of
supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our trading partners
in Western Europe and Japan would make of such a situation, where a
giant company is allowed to victimize the consumer in the most
reckless and wrongful manner over and over again.
Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger
economic implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of
seventeen million dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual
damages (missed meals, medical expenses, days lost from professional
occupation) of one million dollars; general damages (mental suffering,
injury to reputation) of twenty million dollars; and attorney's fees
of seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Total damages:
thirty-eight million seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. By
awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this Court will censure
Defendant, its directors, officers, shareholders, successors, and
assigns, in the only language they understand, and reaffirm the right
of the individual predator to equal protection under the law.
Lawyer Joke: 20
Attorney to witness: "And where was the location of the
accident?"
Witness: "Approximately milepost 499."
Attorney: "And where is milepost 499?"
Witness: "About halfway between milepost 498 and milepost
500."
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