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Lawyer Joke: 6
| How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a
timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the follow-
ing agreement:
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer",
and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb",
do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party
of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current
position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon
duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumina-
tion of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the
entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living
area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover
illumination being at the option of the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement be-
tween the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
limited to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or
any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-
negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second
part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first
part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the
first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the
party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the afore-
mentioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to
perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The
foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that
structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and
in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held
blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement
is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil
(counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part
(Lawyer) throughout.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part
("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have
the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light
Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local
and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party
of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning
installation of the party of the fourth part("New Light Bulb").
This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the
reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-
same document, being careful to note that the rotation should
occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-
negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option
of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the
first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all
persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to
produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of
the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with
maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth
part, also known as "The Firm".
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Lawyer Joke: 7
Job Applicant: "I'm looking for a job as a consultant."
Employer: "I'm sorry, we already have enough cosultants."
Applicant: "That's ok, with my experience, I can be an
advisor."
Employer: "More than we can use already."
Applicant: As he is getting desperate, "I'm not proud, I can do
paperwork, I'll be a clerk, If you have too many, I'll start as a
janitor."
Employer: "It just doesn't seem that we have any openings for
a person with your qualifications."
Applicant: As he stands up and angrily yells, "work for you I'd
have to be a low life, belly crawling, double dealing jerk!"
Employer: "Well, you didn't say you were an attorney, have a
seat, we may have an opening."
Lawyer Joke: 8
Trial Of The Century Transcript Reveals
Objectionable Methods
By Dave Barry, Sunday, March 19, 1995
TRANSCRIPT, TRIAL OF THE CENTURY, DAY 257
BAILIFF: Hear ye, hear ye, the court is now in sess...
DEFENSE: Objection, your honor.
JUDGE: To what?
DEFENSE: Nothing, your honor. We're just warming up.
PROSECUTION: Your honor, the people would like to state that we also
have no objections at this time.
DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. Every time the defense says some-
thing, the prosecution always feels it has to say something.
PROSECUTION: The people do not.
DEFENSE: Do too.
PROSECUTION: Do not.
DEFENSE: Do too.
DEFENDANT: OK, stop, I confess! I'm guilty!
JUDGE (sternly): Order in the court! (To prosecution): Proceed.
PROSECUTION: Where were we?
JUDGE (checking his notes): You were on "Do not."
PROSECUTION: Oh, right, thanks. Do not.
DEFENSE: Your honor, the prosecution is clearly jealous of the
defense because we have a lot of marquee legal talent such as F.
Lee Bailey and the late Raymond Burr.
PROSECUTION: Objection, your honor. The people have reason to believe
that that is not really F. Lee Bailey.
(A murmer runs through the courtroom.)
JUDGE: Dammit, bailiff! I ordered the murmers removed from this
courtroom!
BAILIFF (drawing his gun): We'll take care of it, sir.
PROSECUTION: Your honor, if that IS F. Lee Bailey, how come he hardly
ever SAYS anything? He just sits there, day after day, not moving.
The people request permission to stick him with a pin.
JUDGE: I'll allow it.
F. LEE BAILEY: sssssssssssss
JUDGE: Let the record show that "F. Lee Bailey" is actually an inflat-
able doll wearing a $1,000 suit.
DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. That suit cost $1,500.
JUDGE WAPNER: Do you have a receipt?
DEFENSE: Objection! This judge is from a completely different TV
show!
JUDGE: I'll sustain the objection.
DEFENSE: Which one?
JUDGE: I have no idea. Let's proceed with the expert witness.
PROSECUTION (to witness): Please state your name and the size of your
book advance.
EXPERT WITNESS: My name is Dr. Pembrick A. Femur, and my advance is
$350,000.
PROSECUTION: And who will be playing you in the movie version?
EXPERT WITNESS: We are thinking Brad Pitt.
DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. We were thinking of Brad Pitt to
play us.
PROSECUTION: Brad Pitt? YOU? Your honor, the people request permis-
sion to laugh until little snot bubbles form in the people's nostrils.
DEFENSE (sarcastically): And we suppose the prosecution wishes to be
played by Demi Moore?
PROSECUTION: Sharon Stone.
JUDGE: I'll allow it. Proceed.
PROSECUTION: Dr. Femur, you are an expert, are you not?
EXPERT WITNESS: I am.
PROSECUTION: And do you think the people's hairstyle looks better this
way, or the way the people wore it before?
EXPERT WITNESS: This way.
JUDGE: What about my beard?
EXPERT WITNESS: With all due respect, your honor, I have seen more
impressive facial hair on a coconut.
(Laughter.)
JUDGE (angrily): Bailiff! Where is that laughter coming from?
BAILIFF: From inside a set of parentheses.
JUDGE: I'll allow it. Continue.
PROSECUTION: Dr. Femur, I am handing you Exhibit No. 2038-B. Can you
identify this item for the court?
EXPERT WITNESS (examining it): Yes. That is a DNA molecule belonging
to the defendant.
DEFENSE: Objection! We can't see the exhibit!
PROSECUTION: Of COURSE you can't, you idiot. It's a MOLECULE.
EXPERT WITNESS: Or a poppy seed. There's a 73 per cent chance either
way.
PROSECUTION: Now Dr. Femur, can you tell the court, in your own expert
words, what "DNA" stands for?
EXPERT WITNESS: Yes.
PROSECUTION: I see. Now Dr. Femur, could you please tell the jury, as
an expert, whether the defendant could have left this DNA molecule or
poppy seed at the scene of the...
EXPERT WITNESS: Tell WHAT jury?
JUDGE: Dammit, bailiff! The jury escaped again!
(Another murmer runs through the court.)
GUN: BANG!
BAILIFF: I got the murmer, your honor!
DEFENSE: Objection! The bailiff shot a reporter for The National
Enquirer.
JUDGE: I'll allow it.
PROSECUTION: Your honor, while we're waiting for the authorities to
track the jury down, the people request your honor's permission to ask
the witness approximately 850 unbelievably redundant questions.
JUDGE: Of course.
DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. As counsel for the defendant, we
cannot...
JUDGE: Hey! Where's the defendant?
Lawyer Joke: 9
No lawyers allowed- Prosecutors will be violated!
If two lawyers were drowning, and you could only save one of
them, would you read the paper or go to lunch?
Lawyer Joke: 10
The bartender asks him "What'll you have?". The guy answers,
"A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the drink, and
says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies "What are
you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this".
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation,
then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In
the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon
acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration". The
bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you
beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here
again".
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says,
"What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've
got the audacity to come back!".
The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in
this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I'm
very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."
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