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Elderly Joke: 16
| One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being
introduced to other
members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that
old man asleep
in the chair by the fire- place? He is our oldest member and can tell
you some hunting
stories you'll never forget."
They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story.
"Well," he began,
"I remember back in '44', we went on a lion hunting expedition in
Africa. We were on foot
and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I
was so tired I had to
rest. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on
the tree, and fell
asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a
noise in the
bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever seen
jumped out of the
bushes at me like this, 'ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!......' I
tell you, I
just shit my pants."
The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame
you, I would have
shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me." The old man shook his
head and said, "No,
no, not then, just now when I said
'ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!'"
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Elderly Joke: 17
You Can Never Really Go Back
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were
sitting at the
breakfast table that morning when the old gentleman said to his wife,
"Just think, honey,
we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Fifty years ago this very day, we were sitting
here at this breakfast
table together."
"Hmmm," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as
jaybirds fifty years
ago this morning."
"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we?" Whereupon the
two stripped
to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My
nipples are as hot for you
now as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and
the other one's in
you oatmeal!"
Elderly Joke: 18
There was an old married couple that had happily lived
together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage
was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every
morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the
smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for
air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one
in the morning. He told her that the couldn't help it. She begged him
to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband
wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily
function and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the
fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural
about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts
out".
The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the husband
continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until
one Christmas morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to
prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed
potatoes, gravy and, of course, a turkey. While she was taking out the
turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might
solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she
placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours
before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly
asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her
husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into
her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and
tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal. Several
hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud ass
trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the
sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs
bathroom. The wife could not control herself and her eyes began to
tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up
with him she had finally gotten even. About twenty minutes later, her
husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of
horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she
asked him what was the matter. He said, "honey, you were right - all
those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you".
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one
of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God
and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."
Elderly Joke: 19
A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of
a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to
the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat."
The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. It is
hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself.
The woman looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you
would give me that fan." The girl gives her the fan, too.
Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus
driver, "Stop, I want to get off here." The bus driver tells her he
has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the
block. With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "If
you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here."
The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As
she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you
have?"
The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies,
"Chutzpah."
Elderly Joke: 20
A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an
art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one
contemporary painting caught her eye.
"What on earth," she inquired of the artist standing nearby, "is
that?"
He smiled condescendingly. "That, my dear lady, is supposed
to be a mother and her child."
"Well, then," snapped the little old lady, "why isn't it?"
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