Criminal Jokes

                            American Way of Robbery
      
    
 True Stories of Some of the Dumbest Crooks on Earth:
 
 Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the front off a
 cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of
 their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the
 machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared,
 they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached
 to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With
 their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
 
 (Editor's Note 1: And they wonder why we call them "Yahoos" ...)
 
 South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a
 bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it
 was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him
 be arrested immediately.
 
 Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and
 demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him
 the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.
 
 England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up
 at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf,
 the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a
 "handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate
 his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics
 was found in the golf bag.
 
 Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman
 decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day
 Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else*
 can you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back
 to her house--where she realized that the camel's name was "Otto."
 
 Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for
 Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-
 old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2
 years in jail.
 
 Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600
 in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he
 provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.
 
 (Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun,
 announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his
 head--and realized that he'd forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.
 
 (Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours
 and stole--are you ready for this?--the bank's video camera. While
 it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was
 located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn't get the videotape of
 himself stealing the camera.)
 
 (Location Unknown):  A man successfully broke into a bank's basement
 through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in
 the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the
 money from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window
 through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly.
 So he located a phone and dialed "911" for help ...
 
 Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal
 a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a
 refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup.
 The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons
 decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more*
 walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house,
 and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked
 the keys in the truck--so they abandoned it.
 
 (Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience
 store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked
 for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled
 a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk
 promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled--
 leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
 got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.