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Computer Joke: 11
| A mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord's
Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after
her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The
mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each
word right up to the end..."And lead us not into temptation",
she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."
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Computer Joke: 12
This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops
for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door
saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits
down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of
nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he
drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is
hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and
serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in
with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of
pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender,
without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The
truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to
worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in
season now. You don't even need a license, he said.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and
heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident,
and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out
all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming,
grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and
programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't
let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the
bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of
them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps
out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said,
"What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."
Computer Joke: 13
TOP10.Subject: Gullibility Virus alert (fwd)
******************************************************************
WARNING, CAUTION, DANGER, AND BEWARE! Gullibility Virus Spreading
over the Internet!
******************************************************************
WASHINGTON, D.C.--The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular
Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are
becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without
question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows
up in their inbox or on their browser. The Gullibility Virus, as it is
called, apparently makes people believe and forward copies of silly
hoaxes relating to cookie recipes, email viruses, taxes on modems, and
get-rich-quick schemes.
"These are not just readers of tabloids or people who buy lottery
tickets based on fortune cookie numbers," a spokesman said. "Most are
otherwise normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told
to them by a stranger on a street corner." However, once these same
people become infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe
anything they read on the Internet.
"My immunity to tall tales and bizarre claims is all gone," reported
one weeping victim. "I believe every warning message and sick child
story my friends forward to me, even though most of the messages are
anonymous." Another victim, now in remission, added, "When I first
heard about Good Times, I just accepted it without question. After
all, there were dozens of other recipients on the mail header, so I
thought the virus must be true." It was a long time, the victim said,
before she could stand up at a Hoaxees Anonymous meeting and state,
"My name is Jane, and I've been hoaxed." Now, however, she is
spreading the word. "Challenge and check whatever you read," she says.
Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the
virus, which include the following:
The willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking;
The urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others;
A lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if a story is
true.
D.S. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one reporter,
"I read on the Net that the major ingredient in almost all shampoos
makes your hair fall out, so I've stopped using shampoo." When told
about the Gullibility Virus, D.S. said he would stop reading email, so
that he would not become infected.
Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help immediately.
Experts recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet
users rush to their favorite search engine and look up the item
tempting them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and tall
tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet
community.
Courses in critical thinking are also widely available, and there is
online help from many sources, including
2]Department of Energy Computer Incident Advisory Capability
3]Symantec Anti Virus Research Center
4]McAfee Associates Virus Hoax List
5]Dr. Solomons Hoax Page
6]The Urban Legends Web Site
7]Urban Legends Reference Pages
8]Datafellows Hoax Warnings
Those people who are still symptom free can help inoculate themselves
against the Gullibility Virus by reading some good material on
evaluating sources, such as
Evaluating Internet Research Sources at
http://www.sccu.edu/faculty/R_Harris/evalu8it.htm Evaluation of
Information Sources at http://www.vuw.ac.nz/~agsmith/evaln/evaln.htm
Bibliography on Evaluating Internet Resources at
http://refserver.lib.vt.edu/libinst/critTHINK.HTM
Lastly, as a public service, Internet users can help stamp out the
Gullibility Virus by sending copies of this message to anyone who
forwards them a hoax.
**********************************************************************
This message is so important, we're sending it anonymously! Forward it
to all your friends right away! Don't think about it! This
is not a chain letter! This story is true! Don't check it out! This
story is so timely, there is no date on it! This story is so
important, we're using lots of exclamation points! For every message
you forward to some unsuspecting person, the Home for the Hopelessly
Gullible will donate ten cents to itself. (If you wonder how the Home
will know you are forwarding these messages all over creation, you're
obviously thinking too much.)
**********************************************************************
Computer Joke: 14
Microsoft Addresses Justice Department Accusations
REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 23, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by the Department of
Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government
of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.
"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates,
"It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone".
Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with
U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal".
The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public
offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be
profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.
In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and enthusiastically"
accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United
States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the
mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief". He
went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record", and that U.S. citizens should offer
Gates their "full support and confidence". Clinton will reportedly be earning several times
the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft.
Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as "silly", though did
say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at
Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be
abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how well we're doing". In
addition, Gates said, all state and local branch governments will have to renew their licensing
agreements with the new Microsoft Federal Government in order to keep current liberty rights
intact. "It's not anti-competitive, only acting as any capitalist soverign would toward lesser
competitors."
When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said, "We don't
deny that discussions are taking place".
Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be
able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft
products.
About Microsoft:
Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in software for personal
computers, and democratic government. The company offers a wide range of products and services
for public, business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and
more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing and free
society every day.
About the United States:
Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation in the history of
the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered
in Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.
Computer Joke: 15
TOP TEN PROPOSED NEW DOMAINS
Earlier this week, Gregory Nemitz and a handful of space enthusiasts proposed creating special
domains, including ".luna" and ".moon," for Web sites based on the moon. He wasn't kidding:
And one of our "Ten laws the Net needs" involves a special ".xxx" domain for pornographic
sites. But why stop there? Here are some new proposed domains, and what you can expect from
the sites in them:
10. ".trek"--contains audio files of William Shatner
9. ".bill"--Microsoft has bought this company
8. ".love"--for people who would rather cuddle
7. ".slow"--based in a distant country with no T3 lines
6. ".geek"--assumes you know what all the acronyms mean
5. ".404"--we stopped maintaining our servers in 1996
4. ".y2k"--contains theories about the end of the world
3. ".burn"--huge multimedia files will crash your computer
2. ".*"--contains allegations about President Clinton's sex life
1. ".duh"--explains, in detail, stuff you already know
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