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Children Joke: 16
| A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable from a
small cut she just received. She asked her mom for a glass of cider.
"Why do you want cider?" asked Mom.
"To take the pain away," sobbed the little girl.
Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass.
The little girl immediately put her hand into the drink.
"It doesn't work!" she yelled.
"What do you mean?" asked Mom.
"Well," sniffed the little girl, "I overheard my sister say that
whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in
cider."
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Children Joke: 17
A wish for Christmas
It is around christmas time and santa is sitting in the middle of the
mall in his big holiday setup.He has a line of kids lined up to sit on
his lap and tell him what they want for christmas. As the line
dwindles down; a little 5 year old boy comes up and sits on santas
lap. Santa says to the little boy"I bet I know what you want for
christmas". "I bet
you want a puppy, P-U-P-P-Y"; touching the tip of the little boys nose
with his finger after every letter of the word. The little boy
responds"Nope".
So santa again says"Then I bet you want a bike,B-I-K-E"; as he again
touched the tip of the little boys nose with his finger. The little
boy again said"Nope".
Well santa's starting to get a little pissed off. So he thinks to
himself that he'll try one more time. So he says to the little boy"I
bet you want a fire engine,F-I-R-E-E-N-G-I-N-E"; once again touching
the tip of the little boys nose with his finger after every letter of
the word. Where to the little responds"Nope".
Well at this time santa's really pissed off. So he says to the little
boy "Then what the fuck do you want for christmas"?
The little boy then looked at santa and said"I want some pussy,
P-U-S-S-Y; and don't fucking tell me that you can't give me any
because I can smell it on your finger"!
Children Joke: 18
THE IRS LETTER...
Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the
three dependents I claimed on my 1996 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I
have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They
are evil and expensive.
It's only fair, since they are minors and not my responsbility, that
the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs)
knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You
may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the
deduction.
This year they are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brillant. Ask her! I suggest
you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's
questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it
has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name.
Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think
it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little
expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck.
It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of
appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or
getting up early to drive her to school.
Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the
wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to
occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face
of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am
quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest
that you reinstate Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the
problem.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a
little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner
himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February, I
was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing
Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. Kids at 14 will do
almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye,
temporary dye, what the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have
plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after
instigating a food fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number
with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging
hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will be much more
peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them
unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables,
vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a
source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and
976 numbers!).
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite
by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21.
She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes,
beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you
will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial
reading courses. Hooked on Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped
it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the
deduction that you are denying!
It's quite obvious that we are terrible parents (ask the other two) so
they've helped raise this child to a new level of terror. She cannot
speak English. Most people under eighteen can understand the curious
lingo she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the odd/reggae/yuppie/
political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech
pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing
Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants
baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a
fascination with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can
handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests"
in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire
thing than find out what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to
pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I
still go bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you
take the two oldest then I still have time for counseling before
Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad
about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of
your decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the
withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment
on an airplane.
Sincerly,
Children Joke: 19
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. One day, a man came in and
asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of
lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy
said he would go ask his manager about the matter.
The boy walked into the back room and said, "there is some asshole out there who wants to buy
only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the
man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half".
The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy
and said, "you almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed
with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here.
Where are you from son?" The boy replied, "Minnesota sir".
"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just
whores and hockey players up there." The manager was shocked and replied "My wife is from
Minnesota!!"
The boy answered, "Really! What team did she play for?"
Children Joke: 20
An 8 year old boy walks home from school each day past an 8 year old
girls house. One
day as he is passing by, carrying a football, he can't resist taunting
the girl. He holds up
the football and says, "See this football? Football is a boys game,
and only boys can have a
football!". The little girl runs into the house and cries to her
mother, "I want a football!"
Being a woman of the 90's, her mother runs out and gets her one.
The next day the girl is waiting for the little boy and he rides up on
his bike. She holds up
the football, "Nah Nah Nah Nah". The little boy angryly points to his
bike and says, "Oh
yeah, well this is a boys bike and only boys get boys bikes and you
can't have one!" She
runs in to mom and the next day is waiting for him on her new boys
bike.
The little boy gets furious and pulls down his pants, and pointing to
his most private of
parts says, "Look, only boys have these and your mom can't buy you
one!!!". The next
day he walks by and asks her, "Well, I guess I showed you!" to which
she promptly pulls
up her dress, points to her parts and proclaims "My mother tells me
that as long as I have
one of these I can have as many of THOSE as I want!
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