AtWork Jokes

  Retire Aged Personell Early
 
 
 
 TO      ALL MCCCD EMPLOYEES
 FROM    GOVERNING BORED
 DATE    22 APR 1986
 
 1.      As a result of the HAYZE mismanagement study, we must
 drastically cut most salaries and reduce our number of personnel.
 Under this plan, older employees will go on early retirement,
 thus permitting management to focus its abuse on younger
 employees who represent our future.
 
 2.      Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the
 end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed
 into effect immediately. The program will be known as RAPE
 (Retire Aged Personnel Early). Employees who are RAPED will be
 given the opportunity to work other jobs within the system at
 greatly reduced pay. This phase of the reduction program is
 called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
 
 3.      All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may apply
 for a new re- employment eligibility service. This service will
 be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following
 Termination). Current regulations state that employees may only
 be RAPED once and SCREWED twice, but they may get the SHAFT as
 many times as management deems appropriate.
 
 4.      If an employee meets all of the above requirements,
 he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings of Retired
 Persons Entitlement System). HERPES is considered as a bonus plan
 since the employee can no longer be RAPED and SCREWED by
 management. RAPED personnel may also get Assistance for Immediate
 Displacement Service (AIDS). Since AIDS has serious implications,
 one should only request this service once.
 
 5.      Employees can enhance their retention prospects by
 signing up for additional training. It is now and always has been
 the policy of management to ensure all employees are well trained
 through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We have given
 our employees more SHIT than any other organization in the
 country. If any employee feels he/she does not receive enough
 SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Our management is
 especially trained to ensure that you will get all the SHIT you
 can stand.
 
 6.      To ensure equal treatment of all MCCCD employees, only
 upper-management and their selected brown-noses will be given
 raises and exempt status from the above programs.
 
              Yu Bien Haad
              MCCCD GOVERNING BORED
 
 P.S.    We in upper management would like to once again applaud
 the HAYZE people for their very consistent and reasonable study;
 heck, we couldn't have paid anyone to make up a better report!