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Animal Joke: 141
| A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her
company at home.
She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it
wouldn't be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun
to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately
spotted a large beautiful parrot.
She went to the owner of the store and asked how much.
The owner said it was $50. Delighted that such a rare looking
and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first
that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says
pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the
bird. She said she would buy it anyway.
The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home.
She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it
to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her,
and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought
that's not so bad.
A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned
from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and
said, "New house, new madam, new whores."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than
began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the
woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and
said, "New house, new madam, new whores, Hi George!"
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Animal Joke: 142
A duck walks into a general store and asks the manager,"Got
any fresh fruit?"
"No."
"Got any fresh vegetables?"
"No. We have only canned and dry goods."
The next day, the duck returns.
"Got any fresh fruit?"
"No."
"Got any fresh vegetables?"
"No. I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry
goods. If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same
question, I'll nail your flippers to the floor."
On the 3rd day, the duck walks in and asks,"Got any nails?"
"No."
"Got any fresh fruit?"
Animal Joke: 143
Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has
hunted all his life.
When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to
sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand.
After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a
blood-curdling scream.
He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be
quiet!"
Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled
over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down
my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled
up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them
here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"
Animal Joke: 144
How do you get a horny dog to stop humping on your leg?
Pick him up and start sucking his dick.
Animal Joke: 145
A farmer goes to confession for the first time in twenty years and
tells the priest he's been having sexual intercourse with a pig ever
since his wife died.
The priest asks him if he intends to continue doing it and whether the
pig is a male or female.
"No! I'm not doing it anymore!" says the farmer. "And the pig is a
female, of course. What the hell do you think I am -- a goddam queer?
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