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Animal Joke: 86
| A man feeling very depressed walked into a bar and ordered a triple
scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked,
"That's quite a heavy drink. Is something wrong?"
After quickly downing his drink the man replied, "I got home and found
my wife in bed with my best friend.
"Wow", exclaimed the bartender as he poured the man a second triple
scotch, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. This one's on the house."
As the man finished the second scotch, the bartender asked him, "So
what did you do?"
"I walked over to my wife", the man replied, "looked her straight in
the eye and told her that we were through. I told her to pack her
stuff and to get the hell out."
"That makes sense," said the bartender, "but what about your best
friend?"
"I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'Bad
dog!'"
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Animal Joke: 87
Amy, a city girl, marries a farmer.
One morning, before he goes out to the fields, the farmer says to her,
"The artificial insemination man is coming to impregnate one of our
cows today. I drove a big nail into the two-by-four over the cow's
stall. You show him where it is."
The farmer leaves, and a while later, the artificial insemination man
arrives. Amy takes him down the rows of cows until she sees the nail.
She says, "This is the one, right here."
The man says, "How do you know?"
Amy says, "By the nail over its stall."
The man says, "What's the nail for?"
Amy says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on."
Animal Joke: 88
A middle-aged man recieves a brazillian parrot for his
birthday. The only problem with this parrot is its attitude
due to the influence of its former owner, who is now a
deceased truck driver. The parrot loves to swear up and down
at everything it sees. One day the man comes home with a
gorgeous woman for a candle lit dinner. The first thing the
parrot says is " Hey bitch how much for a handjob". She
takes one look at our middle-aged friend, and runs out the
door. The next night, Our friend is visited by his mother.
The parrot opens up with,"I'll suck that crusty coin-slot
crack of yours for a senior citizen discount, if you lose
that over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder, and wiggle those
droopy dum dums for me. Our friend recieves a smack that
leaves a fire-engine-red print, followed by a future threat
from his father. Well Our frustrated friend can stands no
more. He grabs the little motherfucker and throws it into
the freezer. After about 15 minutes of swearing and kicking
from the bad bird, all is quiet. Another 5 min of silence
passes by. Our friend gets curious and opens the fridge.
The bird calmly perches on his finger. "Have you learned
your lesson?", he sternly said. All the parrot can say is
"I sure have. I just have one question. What the Fuck
happened to the chicken?
Sent by Rob
Animal Joke: 89
How To Give Your Cat a Pill
1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbows, just as
if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice
kitty." Drop pill into its mouth.
2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left
hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its
mouth with right forefinger.
4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse
to get new cat.)
5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in
bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso
over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's
mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in -- quickly. Since
your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're
doing. That's just as well.
6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.
7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here, anyway? Retrieve cat
and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here,
anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and ... Ooooops!
9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing
claws are causing the chaos.
10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on
floor.
11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.
12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.
13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to
flatten cat.)
14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man -- or
woman.
15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth
at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).
18. Take two aspirins and lie down.
Animal Joke: 90
It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the
zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress,
sleeveless w/straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in
front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on
the bars, holding on w/one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding
his chest w/the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady
in the sheer dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the
poor fellow. He tells her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and
flirt w/the ape.
She does and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that
would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her
straps fall; she does, and the gorilla is so excited, he's just about
to tear the bars down.
The husband then suggests that the wife lift her dress up above the
thighs... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.
Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the
door to the cage, slings her in w/the gorilla and says, "Now, tell him
you have a headache."
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