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Animal Joke: 76
| A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost.
On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel
tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the Sargent
leading the tour, what the camel was for.
The Sargent replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the
men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the
camel."
The Captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's
all right with me."
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could
not stand it anymore, so he told his Sargent, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"
The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's
quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous
sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and
was buttoning his pants he asked the Sargent, "Is that how the
enlisted men do it?"
The Sargent replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into
town."
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Animal Joke: 77
A fellow walks into a bar, and his eye is quickly drawn to a large
glass bowl filled with ten dollar bills. Intrigued, he asks the
bartender why the bowl is there. The bartender explains that it's an
ongoing challenge at this particular bar.
"For ten bucks you get a shot at three tasks -- if you complete them
all successfully, you'll get yer ten bucks back, along with the rest
of the money."
The fellow expresses an interest in the idea.
"Well," says the bartender, "it sounds a lot easier than it really is.
A lot of guys haven't been able to hack it. You gotta drink a whole
one of those kegs in the corner over there -- then there's this crazy
mad pit bull out back, through that door -- he's crazy on account of
he's got an infected tooth, so you'll have to pull that."
Some of the regulars start to pay attention to the guy, so he inflates
his chest and prods the bartender on.
"Well," says the bartender, "then you gotta -- upstairs is the lady
who owns this place -- she's pretty old, but you gotta -- well, you
gotta make her finish if you know what I mean."
"Bring her to orgasm?" asks the fellow.
"Yup," says the bartender. "That's the third thing."
Without hesitation, the guy proudly places a new ten dollar bill into
the bowl, and sets off to the nearest keg in the corner. The regulars
stare on, having seen many men fail.
After successfully draining the keg in record time, the man makes his
way out the back door, surprisingly staggering very little. For a good
half hour, painful sounds of growling and crashing come through the
wall as the regulars shoot knowing looks in each other's directions.
As the clamor outside subsides, and the bartender starts to add ten to
the running total cash pot, the fellow staggers in through the back
door, bloody, clothing in shreds, with a determined look in his eye.
The others look on in amazement as he claps his hands together and
says,
"Alright, now where's that ugly old lady needs her fuckin' tooth
pulled?"
Animal Joke: 78
There's a guy hitchiking along the highway, when along comes an
18-wheeler. It pulls up, and comes to a grinding halt. The hitcher
runs to the truck, reaches up, opens the door and jumps in. Inside the
truck is the driver, and beside him is his pet monkey.
"Great lookin' monkey, mate" said the hitcher.
"Yeah, he's great company, and he looks after you as well. Take a look
at this."
Without further ado, the truckie winds up, and punches the monkey in
the guts with all his might. The monkey dutifully bends down, unzips
the truckie's fly, goes down and gets to work on the truckie at a
vigorous pace. Once the captain of the Kenworth has unloaded his cargo
all over the cabin, the monkey wipes him off, zips up his master's fly
and sits back down in his seat in the cabin.
"That's GREAT!!!" says the by now quite interested hitchiker. "Can I
have a go??"
The truckie looks across and replies, "Yeah sure, why not?"
"There's only one thing though" says the hitcher.
"What?"
"There's no need to smack me in the guts so hard."
Animal Joke: 79
There is a pit-bull, bull-dog, and a black lab all locked up in the
local dog pound. The pit-bull decides to speak freely and says, "Ya
know, it wasn't my fault I bit that kid's head off. Them kids have
been throwing rocks at me for years and I just couldn't help but jump
the fence one day and go after them. Now they are going to put me to
sleep."
The bull-dog speaks up and says, "I'm in for a similar incident. My
master just wasn't paying any attention to me since that stinkin baby
came along and one day while it was crawlin around on the floor I bit
its leg off. Now they are going to put me to sleep too."
Both the pit-bull and bull-dog look at the black lab and ask, "What
are you in for?"
The lab replies, "Well the other day my master's lady was walking
around the house naked all day long cleaning the house. When she went
into the bathroom and bent over to clean the tub I just couldn't take
it anymore. I came up behind her, put my front paws on her back and
mounted her."
The pit-bull asks, "So when are you due to be put to sleep?"
And the lab replies, "Oh, I'm not in to be put to sleep, I'm just in
to have my nails trimmed and groomed."
Animal Joke: 80
A man and his dog walk into a bar for a drink. The bartender sees the
two and immediately decries, "Sorry sir, no dogs allowed in this bar."
The man turns to the bartender and explains that this is no ordinary
dog but a dog that likes to go down on women. The bartender notices
the dog is quite mellow and doesn't feel like arguing with the man so
he lets them stay.
The waitress hears this and approaches the man telling him she would
like to see this for herself. He agrees and she says, "I'll go
upstairs and you send up the dog in 5 minutes."
The man does and about 15 minutes later she comes back down angry,
telling him the dog had just lain there doing nothing. The man replies
that this has never been the case before, and offers to coach the dog,
to which she agrees.
They both go upstairs and she undresses and he tells the dog to do his
thing and once again, the dog just lays there.
The man looks over at the dog and says, "alright but I'm only gonna
show you one more time.........."
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