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Animal Joke: 71
| A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a
triple scotch whiskey.
As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a
heavy drink. What's wrong?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, "I got home and
found my wife having sex with my best friend."
"Wow," exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple
scotch. "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on
the house."
As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him,
"What did you do?"
"I walked over to my wife," the man replied, "looked her straight in
the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to
get the hell out."
"That makes sense," said the bartender, "but what about your friend?"
The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye
and said, 'BAD DOG!'"
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Animal Joke: 72
THE SETTING: A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a
young man.
Old Man: "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look
how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two
hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me
McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."
Then the old man gestured at the bar.
"Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed
that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me
own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me
McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man points out the window.
"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that sretches out as
far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back.
I nailed it board by board. But do they call me
McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."
Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is
paying attention.
"But ya fuck one goat . . . "
Animal Joke: 73
This woman is driving into a small town and slams on the brakes as a
coyote runs across the road in front of her. Just as she regains her
wits and gets ready to proceed, a cowboy runs right in front of her
and catches the coyote by the hind legs and starts screwing it. "Oh my
God!" she exclaims and drives into town to find the local law.
She sees the local sheriff's car parked in front of the town bar. "It
figures," she says as she storms inside. The first thing she notices
is an old, old man with a long white beard sitting in the corner
jacking-off. She runs up to the sheriff who's sitting at the bar with
his drink.
"What kind of sick town are you running here?! I drive into town and
almost run over some cowboy sodomizing an animal....and then...I come
in here....and see this old man in the corner jacking-off right in
public!!!!??"
"Well, ma'am," the sheriff slowly replies, "you don't expect him to
catch a coyote at his age, do ya?"
Animal Joke: 74
Three lawyers met at an upscale nightspot for drinks one Friday night,
got real plastered and met with unfortunate results on their way home.
On Saturday, they were comparing notes during a round of golf.
Lawyer 1 said he had gotten so drunk that he became disoriented and
was very sick. When he arrived home he said that he was in such bad
shape that he even blew chunks.
Lawyer 2 said he thought he had an even worse experience. He lost
control of his new BMW and totaled it by driving it into a utility
pole. Fortunately, he wasn't injured in the crash.
Lawyer 3 claimed his experience was the worst. He said when he got
home his girlfriend was so pissed at him for being out late that she
started throwing things at him. She totally destroyed a Ming dynasty
vase that had an appraised value of over a half a million dollars.
Then she went into the garage and started up his new Ferrari after
dumping sugar in the gas tank.
Lawyer 1 was standing there just shaking his head and crying
uncontrollably. The other two asked him what was the matter. He said,
"You guys just don't understand - "Chunks" is my dog!"
Animal Joke: 75
If you are unsure of what "shagging" means, [1]this list may help. LD
A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all
he visits a Cornish farmer.
"So, Cornish farmer, how do you shag your sheep?"
"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie
boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."
"That's very interesting," replies the researcher and he leaves the
Cornish farmer. Then he meets a Midlands Farmer.
"So, Midlands farmer, how do you shag your Sheep?"
"Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie
boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall."
"That's very interesting," replies the researcher. "That's how they do
it in Cornwall too." And he leaves the Midlands farmer. Then he meets
a farmer from Abergaveny.
"So, Abergaveny farmer, how do you shag your Sheep?" "Well, I take the
hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the
front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders."
"Over your shoulders?" replies the researcher. "Don't you put them
over a wall like everyone else?"
"What?" says the farmer. "And miss out on all the kissing?!"
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